The Island Of Michael Bay

Instead of living in vats, the clones live in a sort of sport-themed paradise where they play future X-Box and wear matching jump suits. They're told that they're survivors of some sort of horrible contamination, and that they have to stay in this paradise until one day, they are selected by lottery to go to The Island, which is another paradise somewhere else. All of the clones are kind of stupid and brainwashed, and essentially bumble through their short lives, waiting to be selected.

One day, Ewan McGregor finds a bug. Like, a real bug with wings. From the existence of the bug, his underdeveloped mind extrapolates that there is a whole world outside of the apartment complex in which he lives, works, and plays, and so he decides to climb up an unguarded ladder which leads to a floor panel in a hospital. Once in the hospital, he witnesses the terrifying reality of The Island - instead of being shipped off to paradise, you get chopped up by callous doctors who want you only for your organs! And they joke about it while they chop you up, or steal your baby! OH MY GOD, THE HUMANITY!

Ewan descends back into the clone pit and saves his girlfriend, who he does not love, but feels a special kinship to because she is his co-star, the clone of Scarlet Johansson. They escape out into the desert somehow, and find their friend, Steve Buscemi. He is not a clone. Steve lays it out for them - they aren't "real" and the "real" versions are celebrities that don't know they are living, breathing morons.

Ewan makes another huge leap and decides that it is his duty to free the oppressed clones - pretty good for someone with the intellect of a baboon. He steals a rocket motorcycle and finds his genetic original, who is dying of space herpes. The original Ewan tricks the clone Ewan because he still wants to harvest his delicious organs, so they fight for a while until clone Ewan knocks of real Ewans sunglasses, and all of a sudden, they are indistinguishable. "He's the clone, you fool!" they both scream. The heartless bounty hunter that has been hired by the cloning company to hunt clone Ewan gets confused and kills the real Ewan. Duh!

For some reason, Ewan and his girlfriend, who have now discovered sex and love and all that good stuff, go back to the cloning facility to free the clones. For some reason, the bounty hunter, who has, until this point, done nothing but kill innocent people, decides that he has been fighting for the wrong team. For some reason, Ewan pulls a switch that turns off a large, undescribed fan, which then literally blows the lid off the cloning facility, allowing all the clones to pour out into the middle of the desert. The bounty hunter kills some people on the bad team, and winks at Ewan. Ewan then goes and steals his original's jet powered super boat, and lives happily ever after as a pirate. Boom! Smash! Wee! Zoom!

Normally, a movie like this would be saved by the special effects. This one, however, is not. A lot of the scenes outside the cloning facility look as if they were filmed on any old day in downtown Los Angeles - most of the cars are normal cars, most of the buildings are normal buildings. All they've done is made a few buildings taller with fancy futuristic tops, and added a flying car here and there. It looks like a photoshop job, or a booth video at a car show used to show off some nifty concept cars.

It saddens us here at Austinist that big, blockbuster movies like this get made with plots that don't even make sense. We wonder if the actors and directors and producers look at the work they've done and think critically about it, or if they are blinded by all the money involved. Because, if they were actually paying attention, we think they probably wouldn't foist this kind of crap off onto their audiences.

In conclusion, if Michael Bay fucks up The Transformers, we are going to clone ourselves and form an army to take his ass out.