The Real World Recap: Episode Six

It looks like we're not the only ones bored with a life of nothing but inebriation and sexual disfunction. "We're going to go hit up The Dizzy Rooster tonight," says Nehemiah. "Like always. Every night. Same thing."

Melinda dances like a hooker! Girls prance about on the bar. Shots are consumed. Lots of shots!

But meanwhile, Danny is back at home, pleasuring himself in the shower while he complains about how much it sucks that everyone else gets to go out and party while he is stuck at home with a smashed eyeball. Melinda is sad too - she doesn't want to party too hard without her Romeo, so she leaves The Rooster and comes to surprise him in the shower.

"It's like puppy love!" she says, as video shows her jumping into the shower and taking her clothes off.

"She's gorgeous, and at the same time, her personality is amazing," says Danny, as we watch the two lovebirds make out in the steamy shower. We remember the days when puppy love involved more than just pining away for the girl behind the counter at the coffee shop -- when it actually meant that you could have hot, steamy sex in the dormitory bathrooms with whoever you wanted, and when people busted you, they were like, "Aw! Look! Ben is having sex in the bathroom!" instead of "Oh my god, what is that horrible thing hanging off of your.. OH MY GOD!"

The rest of the crew return home to find Danny and Melinda still naked and still in the shower. We imagine they were in the clean-up stage by this point, and we're glad to see that Wes and Nehemiah understand basic sanitary precautions as they enter the shower with their shoes still on. All of a sudden, Danny is living his perfect nightmare - a four way gang bang with the girl of his dreams! Understandably, a buzzkill for Big D and Little D.

Danny and Melinda move to the bed, where normal people have sex, but now, instead of having sex, they want to talk about their relationship, which is something normal people do in the shower. They've got everything all backwards, so it's not particularly surprising that the conversation takes a turn for the melodramatic. Danny gives the "I am missing out on my opportunities" speech which we've referenced many times, but which in this case begs a huge question. Does Danny not realize that he has most likely topped out of his sex ladder?

Melinda, though annoying and stupid, is ridiculously good looking. Her vagina is probably like a bear trap, and we can imagine, in our gutter-residing little brain, horribly amazing things she does to him when nobody else is looking. Or rather, when only a few people and a half dozen hidden cameras are looking. What does Danny think he is missing out on? Making out with some drunk college students he will never see again? Even if he plants his seed one time each in a half dozen women, will that be even roughly equivalent to the forest he could grow in Melinda's uterus? We think not.

In the confessional, Melinda explains that it is up to Danny as to whether he will continue reaping the benefits of her fertile soil, or sow his wild oats elsewhere.

The next day, the crew shows up at UT to talk to Paul Stekler about their documentary project. Lacey has made a meeting with the SXSW folks, who we imagine wanted nothing to do with the noisy and bothersome Real World cast. Wes talks about how they're learning how to use the equipment, and Danny says they're trying to get really involved in SXSW, though they still don't quite know what it is. Then, to complete the 10 second "job" portion of this episode, Stekler gives the kids paychecks for doing what people would normally actually pay money to do. But hey, if we've learned nothing else, it is that The Real World is set in a magical place called Opposite Land where nothing is as it seems!

After a montage featuring a spinning dog and the back of Larry the Leopard's head, Lacey and Johanna head out to discuss what is now becoming THE DANNY AND MELINDA SITUATION. They comment that Danny does not like it when people call Melinda his girlfriend.

Cut to Danny out with Wes and Nehemiah. "I like Mel, but at the same time, I do want to go out," says Danny. "That's what I tell her. There's gonna be nights when it's just gonna be the guys. We're gonna have girls talking to us, obviously. And she's like, well fine, if you're gonna do that, we'll end this right now!"

Nehemiah says essentially the same thing we were saying just above -- that Danny's options are to stay with something "special" or leave it, but face the fact that he may find "nothing but BS along the road."

Johanna comments that, once Danny starts going out again, he will have girls thrown at him. Who will be throwing the girls at him remains a mystery, though it does look like Nehemiah could toss someone pretty well. She also says that Melinda will have to get ready to compete with the random women for Danny's attention.

Wes' insightful advice to his "bro" is, "Dump her, go fuck as many girls as you can!" Have these kids never heard the age old saying, "A vagina in your bed is worth five in the stinking, urine stained bathroom of The Dizzy Rooster?"

Back from commercial, everyone is trying to get Danny to come out drinking, but he doesn't want to go out with his eye all bruised. He stays at home and has a nice, intimate night alone in the hot tub with a beer and some introspective self loathing. The picture blurs out to a spinning disco ball, and then the screen splits to show Danny weeping gently to himself on one side, while Melinda writhes like a stripper on Sixth Street on the other. But Danny is a good guy, and though he desires the freedom to have sex with anyone he wants while still having sex with Melinda when he can't find anyone else, he is willing to put in the work necessary to maintain a healthy home life by calling up The Oasis GOD REST IT'S SOUL to make Valentine's Day reservations. What a sweet heart.

The next day, Danny is off to get the stitches removed from his face. MTV shows us super up-close images of his face being poked and prodded as the sutures are removed. Danny is very excited that he can resume going out and getting plowed on a daily basis.

Meanwhile, Wes and Nehemiah are on their constant quest for sweet co-ed action. Wes explains that they'd met a girl out at a bar the night before, and that she'd invited them to come out again, with a promise that she'd bring along some friends (who she was willing to sell into sexual slavery for a chance to get on television.) Turns out that the friends in question are "collegit" cheerleaders, who the boys evaluate online. Nehemiah calls the original girl to give her a list of approved names, and she promises to bring them all out for a night of fun.

The girls, on the other hand, are going to have a "girl's night out," which for most women means a nice dinner, maybe some wine, and complaining about their boyfriends. For Melinda, it means an opportunity to put on a smokin' dress and make her not-a-boyfriend extremely jealous. As she flounces around the house in a skin tight black miniskirt, Danny doubts his commitment to the swinging lifestyle.

Danny: Oh my God! Dude, what am I doing?

Wes: You just picked from the internet any girl you wanted off ...

Danny: I would have picked her if she was on the internet! You know all of us would have been like, Fuck yeah! God! What am I doing?!

What a nice summary of exactly what we were saying earlier! But this begs a more important question. Why is Danny paying Wes' advice any heed? We learned from last episode that neither Wes nor Nehemiah is all that talented in scoring. Why would he think that going out with them and a gaggle of fame whoring cheerleaders will be a successful endeavor? Oh, yeah, the gaggle of fame whoring cheerleaders.

"I think tonight is going to be a very important night," says Wes.

"But she had to dress like that on the night I was gonna go out," says Danny.

"You don't think she did that on purpose?" says Wes. "Girls are sneaky bitches!"

We are loath to agree with Wes, but come on! Danny has been unable to party with the group for weeks, and on his first night out, Melinda dresses herself up and goes out for a night of boy-free partying? WHERE'S THE LOVE AND SUPPORT NOW?

Oh my god, maybe Melinda is a bandage fetishist!

Danny, Wes and Nehemiah and "the ten best looking cheerleaders in all of Texas" go out to Sixth. Wes wants to introduce Danny to all the cool folks on Sixth, and you know, have sex. We imagine that Wes is the kind of guy that one day, you wake up and he's having sex in the bed next to you, and he's smiling and waiting for a high five. NO WES! WE DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX IN THE SAME ROOM AS YOU! These things are private, for God's sake!

The girls, on the other hand, are having a fancy dinner and some martinis.

Danny is "back" after shots, shots, lots of shots. While we watch him chug booze, Melinda worries that he is going to get really drunk and kiss another girl. But apparently, Danny is able to resist the temptation as he declines a kiss from an obviously inebriated fame whore. Reminder: Melinda was unable to resist the temptation to make out with Wes, and all Wes had to do was ask.

Back at the house, Melinda returns from dinner and jumps immediately into the in-house pool. "Baby, your nipple is hanging out!" screams Rachel. But Melinda doesn't care.

We get a brief shot of Wes in a state of extreme inebriation, OH MY GOD HE IS UNDERAGE, CALL KXAN, complaining that Crystal has shown up, and that she is "just practice" or something along those lines. Crystal, you may remember, is the girl who is hot, but not hot enough for Wes. We pity her terribly. Crystal, if you are out there, you have our sympathy.

Melinda, now swimming in tiny pink bikini, or heck, it might be matching underroos, worries that Danny is going to come home with a girl in tow. Rachel bets her five dollars that he'll return filled with some of that puppy dog love that she referenced earlier. Melinda says that if he does bring a girl back, she's going to go out to the bars and "fuck every guy she sees."

The guys get home, barely able to stand. "As long as you didn't throw up," says Nehemiah, "you straight. You ready to throw up?"

"Yup," says Danny.

"Let's go to the bathroom!" says Nehemiah. Apparently, he is no longer straight, and Nehemiah wants to take advantage of this rare opportunity while he still can.

In the kitchen, Melinda is mumbling something about how Danny can do whatever he wants cause she'll just go fuck a pirate when Lacey comes in to inform her that "Danny is like dying in the bathroom." Wes tells her to shut up. Melinda runs off to the bathroom in her little pink thing to do the same thing that Danny would do for her. It's nice to see that she lives her life by the Golden Rule.

The next afternoon, the crew has to head out to meet with the SXSW organizers. Wes brags that he's proud to have "reintroduced" Danny to the world, but Danny isn't looking so hot. In fact, on the way to the meeting, Lacey realizes that both of them are still drunk from the night before. So drunk that Danny is unable to speak coherently. "Do not let me talk!" he says.

Lacey is excited to learn all about SXSW, and get access to all sorts of music and different genres, like bands at Vice Magazine parties, and bands at Spin Magazine parties, and bands at parties sponsored by Red Bull. BUT OH MY GOD, 5 SECONDS HAS GONE BY, this work stuff is extremely boring. To someone. Not to us, we'd love to see what they did, and how they worked with the kind folks at SXSW. But you know what's more important? THE MELINDA AND DANNY SITUATION.

Melinda isn't sure how to deal with Danny's Valentine's Day invitation, as she's never been on a proper Valentine's Day date. The lovebirds chat at the breakfast table, and Danny tells Melinda that he made out with four girls the night before. We can't even speculate as to why he would tell her this, especially so frankly and with no qualifications.

"So about that date tonight?" says Melinda. "I can't make it. I, uh, have to wash my hair."

Oops! Looks like Danny didn't play that card very well. And Melinda is off to have an orgy with ten thousand of Austin's most attractive beer drinkers.

WHAT EVER WILL HAPPEN? Prediction: It was all miscommunication, and they really do actually love one another FOREVER! We'll see NEXT WEEK ON THE REAL WORLD.

Read Austinist's recaps of previous episodes of The Real World :Austin!

The Real World: Austin is fresh every Tuesday at 9pm CST. We'll recap each episode the very next morning.