The Real World Recap: Episode 4

"I fought for this country," she continues in voice over, "and it gives you a sense of pride in that you added to this country's well being." We don't want to get all political here, but, uh, how exactly was invading another country adding to this country's well being? Oh wait, from all the free oil that's driving our gas prices down! Wee! $30 a tank! Suicide!

Apparently the housemates are required in their contract to immediately ask a question about sex upon the introduction of any new topic of discussion, as Danny pipes up and asks Rachel what would happen if she were caught having sex with another soldier. Not much, apparently, as Rachel tells him all about her boyfriend Eric, who she met while in Iraq. Her punishment was to guard the roof of their, we don't know, encampment, for a whopping five nights. During this time, she had hot sex in the cool desert nights while staring at the stars and tracer rounds.

Out to eat, Rachel continues to babble to her housemates about the hardships of being at war, which include not having any juice. Oh, the terror! Nehemiah busts out with a semi-non-sequitor comparing the experience to what people in jail have to deal with.

"People in jail have it made!" says Melinda. "They got internet! Libraries! Gyms!" All of their young black friends to hang out with who were nabbed for having an eighth of weed in the car and are now serving twelve consecutive life sentences. Prison is like hanging out with your friends except instead of going to work, you spend your life crying yourself to bed every night because you are TRAPPED IN A STEEL BOX.

"Being deployed is a lot worse than going to jail," says Rachel. "Do you know what? I dug a hole and shit in it! Do you know how degrading that is?!" We, being the bleeding heart liberals we are, could think of a lot worse things about being deployed, like, for example: having to kill people. But hey! What do we know, we've never done it. Maybe digging a hole and shitting in it is worse than killing a man.

In his confession, Nehemiah says that he's against war and that he doesn't like to hear Rachel brag about it all the time. Oh, clever MTV casting director!

Nehemiah points out to Rachel that soldiers signed up to go to war, whereas not everyone in jail committed a crime. Also, that in jail, they take your freedom away. Rachel disagrees. "I would much rather go to jail than get deployed to Iraq for a year again," she says. Our suggestion: do it! Think of all the awesome bragging she could do then!

Apparently Nehemiah has the same idea, as he suggests they should find someone who has both gone to Iraq and jail. Rachel sneers at the suggestion, because she is a know it all. She rushes home to complain to her knucklehead boyfriend, who gives her the standard soldier pride speech that goes something like this:

The people who criticize your war mongering are chickenshit liberals who wouldn't lift a finger even if their grandmother's life was on the line. You earned the right to brag ad nauseum about your days as a soldier when you first put on your first pair of jack boots. And more importantly, it is because of your bravery and self-sacrifice that these people are even alive and able to say that you are a war-mongering ass munch. So be proud, young soldier! You are an army of one!

Please direct your hate mail to our hate mail department, linked from the About page.

But what is war, anyways? Is it when two countries send all their teenagers to fight for something they don't particularly understand while the old men sit in air conditioned rooms far away, or is it more complicated than that? Could war also be when a guy likes a girl, but that girl makes out with one of the guys roommates while he sleeps off a brain infarction? Sure, why not?

Melinda, in bed still, seriously, wtf? and Danny are snuggling, talking about the nights plans. Danny is going to stay in, because, you know, brain infarction. Melinda, however, cannot be tamed, and is going to go out with the crew and get plowed. Danny, because he is not as stupid as he looks, asks her to be careful.

"I'll probably make out with Rachel if she comes," says Melinda. To her boyfriend. Because this is what most guys want to hear from the girl they've just started dating.

"Hey baby, I wish I could come out with you because everything is still so fresh and new between us, but jeepers, I'm bleeding from the fuckin' skull."

"That's ok! Haha. We'll just go out and have a boring old time, though I will make out with pretty much everyone around me because hey, a girl's gotta have a good time."

"You are breaking my heart into a thousand pieces with every one of your dagger-like words."

"Kissing is fun!"

Johanna crimps her hair again in preparation for going out for a theme party at The Dizzy Rooster. It's a masquerade party. We know this because the housemates are wearing masks as they walk down the street, and also, because we where at The Dizzy Rooster for that party. Because we are egomaniacs, here is a shot that we linked to prematurely last week. We are in the corner, mouth agape, saying something like, "Hey Wes! Austin is awesome, isn't it? What? Oh, another shot of Jaeger? Sure, sure, let me get my wallet." Standing above us on the bar are Melinda and Rachel.

You demand more proof? You don't? Well, here it is! Just seconds after The Dizzy Rooster sign appears on the screen, our head floats by in front of someone's ass bouncing up and down on the bar. Our friend Bryan Boyer sent us this beautiful picture of his television documenting the magic moment.

This marks the end of our personal experience with The Real World save two more encounters that we will list here for perpetuity and never mention again, as they are not germane to the conversation at hand.

1. We saw Wes and Danny working out at the 6th and Congress Gold's Gym one day while we were rushing to our yoga class. We approached them to say hi, but decided against it when we saw the cameras.

2. We bumped into the whole crew at a SXSW showcase at The Parish where we tried to invite Danny to our big SXSW house party. He said no, and appeared not to recognize us, even though we were totally BFFs.

Johanna has a brief moment of love for Leo, he's so dreamy, before we see Wes outside trying to prove himself. Or prove something. Or, well, he talks about proving "it" to a blurry-faced girl who wants him to walk up to someone and say "I want you!" And this will prove ... that Wes has basic communication skills!

Back in the bar, Wes tries his hand with a local, who quickly turns him down. Luckily, Mel is standing by his side and steps up to the challenge. Wes is able to prove whatever it was he was trying to prove.

"I want you. Can I kiss you?" he says.

"OK!" says Mel, and takes his tongue deep into her throat.

"But she's my roommate!" says Wes. "It doesn't count!"

What we're wondering is, count for what? It counts that they kissed. It counts that Wes just kissed his roommate. It counts that Wes kissed his roommate that he knows is involved with his other roommate. And it counts that Melinda kissed Wes while being involved with Danny. Right? So it counts a lot. Santa Claus is watching.

Later that night, Melinda is drunk, wearing a corset, and raring to go. She finds Danny in his bed and tells him that she wants to bleep him so bad. Danny's only reaction is, "Oh my god," which is probably what we would say were we to wake up to a drunken ho begging for cock at 4 AM after a night of vicodin enhanced masturbation.

The cameras quickly jump to Lacey, Johanna, Wes and Leo chatting about the evening's events. "Did you make out with Melinda?" says Johanna.

"It seemed like some drunk random party thing to me!" says Wes.

"How long were you kissing her?" says Johanna.

"There was a good quality of time when me and her were kissing."

"Are you gonna tell Danny you kissed Melinda?" says Lacey.

"If that's your boy, you should," says Leo. "Just be honest about it." Our pal Leo proves that just because you are in front of a camera does not mean that your brain immediately shuts off, turning you into a mindless sex machine and/or a ranting egomaniacal lunatic. He knows that the only way to deal with having made out with your friends girlfriend is to go to your friend and tell him that his girlfriend is a ho.

Lacey also encourages responsibility, because she is a virgin. Her reasons are virginal because she believes that sex and love are in some way linked. She is wrong, especially in this case.

Back from the first commercial, which stretched through about 12 minutes of our TiVo time, we find Rachel on a quest to get everyone up in time to meet their camera trainers at The Velvet Spade, which is a bar that happens to be owned by the same people that own The Dizzy Rooster. We'll call that ironic with the qualification that we do not actually mean ironic, but rather that this is a semi-notable coincidence that may not actually be a coincidence. Post modern!

Nobody wants to get up though, because celebrities don't need to get up, and one day, everyone will be a celebrity. But at her core, Rachel is still a soldier, and can't move past her days of harsh training. "In the army people are very punctual!" she says.

It must suck not to be in the army. Or in jail, which we here is better than being in the army. We wonder how being trapped on The Real World compares to either.

The crew heads down to The Velvet Spade and meets up with their trainers. They are issued Sony digital cameras while a song about Sony digital cameras plays in the background. Go marketing synergy! This is like one of those commercials for The Fantastic Four movie that is also a commercial for Burger King and Blockbuster. Buy a Whopper and get a limited edition Fantastic Four gift certificate to Best Buy! And while you're at Best Buy, pick up a Microsoft X-Box with the awesome Fantastic Four game by Activision that features in game plugs for Samsung products! Awesome!

On the way back home, Lacey and Johanna give Rachel another speech about not being a bitch. This seems to be a recurring theme - the girls will from time to time gang up on Rachel and pick at her slowly developing sense self esteem to make sure it doesn't grow too quickly. Because if it grew too quickly, who would they have to pick on?

Back at the house, Nehemiah has chosen a happy group mealtime to tell the world about his opinions about El Jefe, George W. Bush. "Bush is a robot!" he says.

"He's a great president, a great leader!" says Danny.

"What's the whole war about?" says Nehemiah.

"Are you kidding?" says Danny. "They killed 4000 innocent people on American soil!" he says.

"It's about liberating a nation of people!" says Rachel.

It is awesome to see how well the youth of America absorbs the administrations brain washing propaganda. As we all know, Iraq had nothing to do with the attacks on September 11th, and did not actually kill any Americans on American soil. We also know that it isn't about liberating anyone, because you don't liberate people by shooting them. But Rachel and Danny don't know this, because nobody told them the actual reason we had to go to war with Iraq: We don't like people with mustaches.

Nehemiah, who until now has managed to go without saying anything unbearably stupid, dips his toes into the cool water of loud mouthed blathering by saying that Rachel had not actually experienced war because she as just a nurse. Rachel disagrees. Duh. The threatening music starts. Are we coming up on a slow motion shot? We hope so!

"While you were fucking sitting on your ass I was taking care of hurt soldiers, mmm'k? While you were sitting on your ass at home getting your little film degree, I was taking care of soldiers dying! Don't tell me I wasn't a real soldier, and don't tell me I wasn't in the war!"

"You done?" says Nehemiah.

"Yes!" she says. "You have no appreciation what people do for this country!"

Ok, forgive us, because we are once again going to dive into some political talking here. It is hard for us, as we have strong opinions vis a vis politics ourselves, and seeing people argue the issues so ham handedly makes us pine for a soap box of our own.

Who is right and who is wrong here, we wonder. It seems, at first glance, to be pretty simple. Nehemiah is right, because he is anti-war, and Rachel is wrong, because she likes to kill babies. Ah, but it is deeper than that. Nehemiah is actually talking about something about which he knows very little. Rachel may very well have fought on the front lines. She may very well have had to do terrible and very difficult things, in the name of her country, in which she believes. She is right. Most people have very little appreciation for the things people do for this country, and find it very easy to dismiss the hardships of being a solider at war because they don't agree with the war in general. Yes, she signed up for it, and yes, she is confused about the actual motivations of our country, but still, she did something very brave, and her service to the country should be respected.

Ahem.

After the second extremely long commercial break, Melinda and Nehemiah are out eating at Paradise, which we have never heard of, but looks cheesy. Melinda thinks that Nehemiah is wrong for saying what he did about Rachel's service. Nehemiah is willing to admit that he may have misspoken, and that he meant to say that what she did was admirable, but that he simply took issue with her implication that she was in the shit, as they say.

"I can apologize to her for making that comment," says Nehemiah. "I'm a man. It wasn't a good comment to make."

And he is a man! He rushes home and leaves Rachel a nice note apologizing for, you know, speaking his mind. Because it would be terrible if someone's feelings were hurt. Ever.

"Apologizing is hard," says Rachel, "because it, you know, hurts your pride."

Nehemiah and Rachel have a nice hug and make up, and Rachel says, "That's what Scorpios do! They forgive and forget!" We always thought that what Scorpios do is promise not to sting you if you will help them cross the river, so you carry them halfway across the river on your fleshy back, at which point they do sting you, right in the eye. As both you and the Scorpio are drowning, you ask, "But why? Now we will both die!" and the Scorpio says, "Because it is my nature!" Fucking Scorpios, we say.

Speaking of being stabbed repeatedly in the eye, Melinda and Rachel and, we assume, some other people go out for another night of liver damage while Lacey and Danny sit around, chatting about how quickly Danny has lowered himself into the bog of eternal relationship tension. Here is a hint for all of our readers: Should you ever find yourself frequently beginning sentences with the words, "I like her a lot, but..." you are deluding yourself and should immediately stop seeing the person in question.

Lacey is worried that Danny is going to get hurt by Melinda's bad behavior. This is because she secretly wants Danny to deflower her, an issue that will likely never rear its ugly head on this series. Which is really too bad, if you ask us. She could totally be the nerdy girl gone sex-crazed. But whatever the reason is, she decides that it's probably a good idea to jump into the middle of the drama and tell Danny that Melinda and Wes have been performing oral surgery upon one another with their tongues.

Danny then gives yet another Real World stock speech. This time, it's the "reasons why I can't date someone right now," speech, which goes something like this:

This girl is really cool, but I don't really know what is going on between us, because it has only been one week, and certain things are not as clear as I would like them to be. I am afraid that I will end up looking like a fool, or being played, so instead of sticking with it and seeing where things go, I am going to bail now. Plus, I mean, think of all the hot poon I am missing by sticking it into only one girl. She seems to be a free spirit! I should also be a free spirit, even though this is counter to what I believe in, and all my behavior hence far. Avast! I will bless this state with many bastard children, I tells ye!

Later that night, Melinda and Rachel return to a strangely empty house. Danny lurks in the background in full on sad bastard mode while Melinda changes into a pair of ass revealing pink booty shorts. We have underwear bigger than these, and they're really, really, uh, package enhancing.

"I'm distancing myself from Melinda," Danny says. "If she wants to tell me something, she can come up and talk to me. I'm not gonna talk to her about it. She's a big girl." And Danny, apparently, is not a big girl. Or a big boy. He's passive aggressive!

Melinda crawls into Danny's bed, surprise, surprise, and tries to make things all better. We will paraphrase, because we clearly have a lot of fun doing that sort of thing. Plus, these people barely speak English.

Melinda: When I kissed Wes, it was only very briefly, and it was without passion or vigor.

Danny: But you told me that you like me a lot, which means to me that you would only be making out with me, yes, I know that we didn't have an explicit conversation about that, but I mean, come on. And then, you went and not only made out with another guy, but you made out with our roommate who is also my pal! You then hid this fact from me, and I had to find out from someone else. Can you see how that would make me feel upset? I just want to make it clear that I am unwilling to become serious with you if this sort of thing is going to continue.

Melinda: I am not really listening, but it seems to me now that you are rejecting me totally, and I will now leave you forever to sob uncontrollably at our lost love. Also: make out with other guys.

Danny: What? Wait. I wasn't rejecting you. I was just trying to set some boundaries.

Melinda: You have ruined me, and I will now die.

Meanwhile, Lacey and Johanna chat in the laundry room, which surprises us because, come on, they have to do their own laundry? Jeez, MTV! You didn't provide a laundry service? How are they supposed to function?!

Lacey pretends to not know who told Danny about Wes-gate because she knows that in situations like this, it is always the person who revealed the wrong doing who receives the brunt of the punishment. "Someone probably mentioned it not even thinking about it because everyone said it wasn't a big deal! And like, hey, stop hitting me! Stop! I swear to God it wasn't me! And even if it was, I mean, ouch! Stop! Stop!"

Danny finds Melinda in the bathroom brushing her teeth and compliments her glasses, which sounds like "asses." "I wish you wouldn't be so standoffish," he says.

"It's hard because I like you more than I think I've liked any guy!" says Melinda.

Danny explains that he wasn't trying to break up with her, simply that he was laying the ground rules for their relationship as it moves forward. However, he forgets that he is a male and that she is a female, and that members of these two species do not communicate about relationships in the same way. "Just be up front and honest," he says. Just like Leo said! Sadly, what Melinda hears is, "Go ahead and make out with whoever you want, just as long as you tell me all the gory details so that I can be plagued with visions of your infidelity for years to come!"

Healthy and normal!

We have learned so many lessons on this episode. Let us recap. 1. Soldiers are awesome and should be heralded as heroes, even if they violated military rules and didn't actually kill anyone, and also even if they fought in a terrible, meaningless war based on nothing but lies. 2. It doesn't count if you make out with your roommate. 3. You should be open and honest about stuff. 4. Men apologize. 5. Jail is easy, and defintely better than being deployed. 6. If the girl you like doesn't like you back as much as you like her, you should quickly bail out on the relationship because every second you waste making real meaningful connection is a second you could be using to have sex with multiple anonymous partners! And the biggest stunner yet, 7. President Bush is actually a robot! OMG!

We will now field questions about any aspect of The Real World: Austin, as we are the world's expert on everything. Please leave your (serious) questions in the comment section.

Read Austinist's recaps of previous episodes of The Real World :Austin!

The Real World: Austin is fresh every Tuesday at 9pm CST. We'll recap each episode the very next morning.