The Real World Recap: Episode 3

Danny says he's nervous about the surgery, and that he's glad that his dad is coming into town for support. Lacey queues up to read her cue off the cue card, booya, and asks Danny about his relationship with his mother, which we all know, from watching the casting special, is less than grand. Contrived? Who is to say. Wait. We are! Contrived! Danny then explains that his mom was an alcoholic and that he doesn't see her anymore. Our spidersense is tingling about Danny's mom, as it seems she's getting a lot of airplay for someone he never speaks to. Prediction: IMMINENT DEATH SYNDROME.

Being the pimp that he is, the Phantom moves on to Melinda's room, where she's still in bed, all cute and snuggly, surprise, surprise. Austinist is starting to get a feeling that Melinda spent her entire time in Austin in bed or bent over double in nothing but her underwear. Melinda says that because of the connection they share, they'll always be there for one another. Danny takes this as a cue to drop some pills. "I'm gonna take a vicodin, want one?" Melinda giggles uncomfortably, because she's probably already stolen half his stash.

And what goes better with a vicodin than a night out dancing at the shittiest dance club in town, Paradox? Rachel drunkenly babbles to Wes that she's had as much alcohol as she can before passing out, which, in the ridiculously small amount of clothing she is wearing would be a very bad idea. Seriously, it was February. Remember how it rained every day and was gross and cold? Denim mini skirts belong at home!

But before Wes can lay any pity pipe, an off screen female voice says, "Hey, get a prettier girl!" followed by an extremely contrived shot of two girls giggling and hugging in self congratulations for lowering an already low sense of self esteem. If they only knew how many times Rachel has had to listen to her attractive male housemates lust after everyone but her, they may have had some sympathy. That is, if they were really there, which we doubt, as the shot of the girls laughing is so fake looking that it might as well have been shot in studio.

Rachel wants to kick ass and, in our humble opinion, had every right to stand up, scream "Let's roll!" and unleash all of her military training on the hecklers. But instead, she lets Wes unenthusiastically stick up for her before dragging him onto the dance floor while her voiceover explains that she's more attracted to him than ever. Like, totally more than a week ago when they first met!

Things only get worse for Rachel's sexual prospects as Wes quickly reiterates that he has no interest in Rachel whatsoever, and that his heart, body, soul and mind belong only to Johanna. "I would love to hook up with her," he says. And then, as an afterthought, "and get to know her."

There are many people that we would like to hook up with, and then get to know as well. Like, we'd like to hook up with Milla Jovavich. She is hot, and she fights zombies. Seems like a very good candidate for some hot meaningless sex. And then, after that is out of the way, we can get to know her, and find out that she's an annoying self obsessed actress that we want nothing to do with, and that she has like 12 other boyfriends. We can then write her off as a crazy bitch, and come out on the moral high ground! Awesome. Take notes, Wes.

Later, Johanna puts Wes on the phone with her roommate from back home. Wes proceeds to tell the roommate that he loves Johanna, that it's "more than a like," and that he wants pointers to hook up with her. "If I don't hook up with her the entire time I'm here, I'm going to be extremely disappointed in myself." We're happy that Wes has set down his goals, and that failure to reach his goals have specific, defined repercussions. That's smart business training, which he probably received as a kindergarten student in Kansas, where they breed Aryan business professionals the way Austin breeds 45 year old guys who do nothing but smoke weed, walk their dogs, and play the guitar at parties after everyone has gone home.

Johanna, on the other hand, doesn't like it when guys say they like her. We hate it when someone says they like us. It's just way too honest and open and like, icky!

Meanwhile, Danny's father arrives for the surgery. Danny meets him at the door of the house, and within seconds is poking at the squishy bits on his face. "The people ain't nice here," he tells his dad. Welly well, Mr. Boston. Maybe that's the attitude that got your face broken in the first place.

Danny shows his dad video stills of the street brawl that must have been provided by the kindly behind the scenes crew, something we are very glad to see as his request to see the video in Episode 2 was never answered. Danny tells his dad that it wasn't a "square fight," and then proceeds to have his dad poke at the squishy bits on his face. Here! Feel my broken face! Ouch! That hurts! No, not right there, that feels fine. Over here! Ouch! Yeah, that's broken.

Danny and Dad go to Buffalo Wild Wings for some spicy chicken and a chat about mom. "I really don't want to hear from her. Just don't give her the number," says Danny. We are willing to put our reputation on the line as of right now. Austinist predicts that Danny's mother will meet a tragic end before the season is over.

While the boys from Boston have a nice disfunctional family chat, Wes and the girls head out for yet another night on the town. At The Foundation, we're treated to a shot of Rachel rubbing her behind upon Wes' genetalia. Wes tells us in voiceover that Rachel is way too aggressive for him, and that most guys don't like women to be aggressive. This is a lie. Do not listen to Wes. Please spank us. We like it.

Lacey and Wes then sit down for a nice chat about how much Rachel sucks:

Lacey: She just loves the thrill of everybody being like, RACHEL! RACHEL!

Wes: I think that being from the army, there's not that many girls in the army, and those guys are pretty horny. I would be myself. I'm sure she's used to guys throwing themselves at her. I'm used to going for guys like Johanna.

Lacey: Girls.

Wes: Girls like Johanna.

We frequently have moments while watching this show where we find ourselves awestruck that someone would allow themselves to be caught on tape saying the things these people say. For example, Wes, in regards to his feelings about Johanna, says the following:

Johanna is just the kind of girl that I've never been with, and I think that she could teach me a lot both on a close emotional level, but maybe a physical one as well.

OK, now, admittedly, his candor and naivete makes him a bit charming right now. Johanna is Peruvian and exotic and she has a funny accent, so clearly she will be able to teach Wes a thing or two about love and sharing and how much lube you have to use while having sex upside down while riding a dolphin through the stars. It is fine for him to fantasize about these things in the privacy of his own brain, but seriously, in front of a video camera? This show will be in reruns until he's a grandfather, at which point he will have eaten his words so many times that it will be roughly as painful as having a really saggy tattoo of "The Matrix: Revolution" logo on your ass.

But at least he's got some bravado, right? Some verve! That's what really counts, right? It's not how smooth he is, or how good looking he is. It's his charming naivete!

Ha!

Back from commercial, we have what is essentially the exact opposite of the retarded commitment conversation Danny and Melinda had at the end of Episode 2, presented here for your amusement:

Wes: I'm drunk right now so I can be truthful, right? I like you.

Johanna: Come on! Don't be retarded! Rachel loves you, I can't do that.

Wes: I think I've demonstrated that Rachel is not my type.

Johanna: I know, but she likes you and I can't do that.

Wes: I'm not sorry I told you, but I'll be sorry!

Johanna: It's not a big deal!

Wes: But you're a big deal to me!

We're only going to say this about the above conversation: Poor Rachel's grandkids.

At the end of the night, it falls to Lacey to guide all of her drunk housemates back to the house. "Sometimes I feel like I play the mother in the house," she says. Well, of course she does! She has not yet experienced the joys of sexual intercourse, thus must be pigeonholed into the role of up tight party pooper! Duh!

Once back at the house, its time for munchies and embarassing drunken conversation. We thought at first that putting the house so close to Sixth Street was a bad idea, but now we see the genius behind this decision - the cast can stumble home before the booze wears off and reveal their terribly personal details in the comfort of their own home, where the lighting is better!

Rachel: Wes won't make out with me, I just couldn't even believe it!

Johanna (around a mouthful of popcorn): Wes won't make out with me!

Rachel: I've never had a guy that won't make out with me, is all.

Wes: I won't make out with her either!

Rachel: Wes likes you!

Johanna: Wes doesn't like me! Wes likes me as a sister. Tell her!

WES STUMBLES OUT OF THE ROOM, CLEARLY EXTREMELY INEBRIATED.

Johanna: Let me put it straight for you. Because you throw yourself at guys. I love you, but you throw yourself way too much at people. You need to let them want you. And every single guy you meet, you don't need to make out with them.

Rachel: I know, I don't know how else to attract people.

Oh, lack of self-esteem sub plot! You are not our favorite type of sub plot. We want fighting with fists and teeth, not self-pity/self-loathing. We are voting Rachel off the island as of right now. She clearly can't hack it IN THE REAL WORLD.

While Johanna lays the truth out for Rachel - You are ugly and desperate and nobody loves you! - Wes tells Nehemiah, Mr. Relationship Advice, about the events of the evening. Nehemiah knows how things work. He's not surprised that she brushed off Wes' declaration of affection, and advises against getting involved with a roommate. OMG! Did he watch a previous season and take notes on how to come off as the smart, reasonable one?

In the very next scene, we see Danny brushing his teeth in preparation for his surgery, which has mysteriously been moved up to RIGHT NOW. Nehemiah comes in and informs him that the toothbrush that Danny is using actually belongs to him. "I just gotta burn the edges and we'll be straight," says Nehemiah. A perfectly reasonable solution!

Danny, Melinda, and Dad are off to the hospital for the surgery. "You're never gonna get into another fight, right?" says dad.

"Yeah right," says Danny. "I'm gonna find that kid."

"I don't know if I'd do that while I'm here," says Dad. Sage advice. Spend your time finding an agent instead, Danny!

Danny gets shot full of drugs while the doctors explain the surgery to his dad. Some metal plates on his skull, some incisions in the mouth, maybe a laser eye implant so he can shoot beams of white hot energy at his enemies from 100 paces, thus keeping him out of fist fights for the foreseeable future.

Even drugged and bruised, Danny pleases the eye. "I think you still look hot," says Melinda. "Even though you're wearing a mumu."

Melinda, in voice over, talks about how she feels so close to Danny, and that she's kinda sorta glad he had his face smashed in so that they could get to know one another so well. Then, literally 20 seconds later, she says, "Its scary, I was feeling strong, and I am no longer feeling strong. Something bad could just totally happen. This could be the last time I ever see him!"
Danny then babbles a little bit more about how great his dad is before he descends into a deep sleep from which he may never return!

For the record, if you go into surgery later on, we want you to know that we no longer care about you, so we won't be left with all sorts of sticky emotional issues if you die during surgery. But if you come out all healthy and beautiful, we'll still want a piece of your ass. Either way, doesn't really matter that much to us. Thanks!

Back from the final commercialbreak, we see Melinda and Dad waiting for Danny to come out of surgery. Melinda comes in, but Danny is too drugged to respond. Danny's dad says that he'd like to strangle the kid who hit Danny, but that he knows it would be the wrong thing to do. Danny says he feels like he "swallowed a Christmas tree."

"Wanna take some body shots?" says Mel with a giggle. From personal experience, we can say that taking body shots while on a lot of pain killers, while fun, is very dangerous and leads directly to tossing your cookies into the porcelein throne.

Rachel says that she doesn't mind that Mel is taking over the care-giving and calls Melinda his girlfriend, though she qualifies it with some airquotes. Melinda is his "girlfriend," which, unlike a "nurse" means she can have sex with her patient and share his stash of painkillers while pouring shots of Jaeger over her naked body.

Speaking of shots, the girls take off for a night on the town at The Dizzy Rooster, a bar at which we ourselves spent a good deal of time during. And look who it is! Our pal Leo! And bar regular, Dave! And, wait! Wait! Is that us? Is that? Wait? No, no isn't. Goddamnit.

"I just want to grab him across the bar and kiss him," says Johanna, about Leo. "It's not love at first site," she says, "but its like, whoa, attraction at first site!" Which is what? Is that anything? Does that merit mention? Seriously?

Johanna leaps onto the bar and, while Wes shakes his head in disappointment, proceeds to feed Leo tequilla out of her belly button. Wes confesses that the fact that everyone thinks Johanna and Leo make a great couple makes him dislike Leo all that much more. Maybe he'll punch him! In the face!

We'd like to take this opportunity to shout out to our friends at Dizzy - Leo and Erica and Lauren and Wes and, well, we miss you guys! And also, we are sad that you didn't make us famous. Jerks. If this is as close as we got, we'll be very disappointed.

Johanna rushes home to call her best friend, who by now must be getting pretty confused about all the men in Johanna's life. "He's like a latin lover!" she says. "I'm in love with him!"

"OK!" says her friend. "You be careful!" There should be a proper word for kind words of advice that fall on deaf ears. You know, like, when your mother tells you not to date the crack addled lesbian RA in your dorm, but you do it anyways. There should be a word for that, because we'd use it again in the next paragraph.

While Johanna confesses her sins, Nehemiah gives Wes some of what we'll simply call pointless lip flapping. "You're not going to hook up with Johanna," says Nehemiah. "You've got a better chance of hooking up with Rachel." This is a very true statement. "The same attention she's giving you," says Nehemia, "she's giving me."

"She wants to play games? I'm better at them!" says Wes. What he is clearly ignoring is that she's not playing games at all! She's hooking up with Leo and leaving Wes in the dust. Did he really think the white boy charm was going to work on her sultry Latin sensabilities? Fool!

Back in the hospital, Danny is in his hospital bed with no clothes on, and boy is he buff. Shit, we wish we had abs like that. Who knew that roofing was so good for the bod? Melinda knew!

"Danny is not suppposed to go to the gym, he's not supposed to go in the pool...," she says. "Danny's not supposed to have sex either." MTV kindly edited in a "BLING!" noise to make it clear to all of us here in the audience that this statement refers to having sex with her, not just having sex in general. "I can try to hold out for a week, but ... giggle!" Heck, it's only HIS LIFE ON THE LINE, why wait?

The episode comes to a close as Danny wishes his dad goodbye outside the Driscoll and heads back to the house, hand in hand with Melinda, where they will have sex. Again and again. Begging the question, of course, have Melinda's emotions turned back on, or is she just gunning for some hot cock?

FIND OUT NEXT WEEK!

Read Austinist's recaps of previous episodes of The Real World :Austin!