The Real World Recap: Episode Two

Rachel suggests to Danny that everyone go out to, like, The Hard Rock Cafe because they have milkshakes - an awesome example of her inability to think in abstract ways about the availability of milk-based desserts beyond the range of her military training-enhanced vision. What about one of Austin's twenty three thousand Amy's Ice cream locations? Nah! Hard Rock is practically known for its milkshakes!

But sad Danny doesn't want to leave the house with half of his face in bandages. Rachel thinks its because he's afraid to see pretty girls out on the street - and thus, scare them terribly with his monstrous visage - but she reassures him that the prettiest girls in Austin are Melinda and Johanna. Excluding herself indicates to us a hidden lack of self-esteem, which we virtually guarantee, will grow in intensity until it springs forth as its own sub plot in an upcoming episode.

In voiceover, Rachel posits that Danny is pulling away from Melinda into the rafters and bell towers of the house because he thinks he's ugly. And that would be really terrible, because they just met, and she has a boyfriend, and really, do you need to hook up with one of your roommates? Based on the chronic myopia already exhibited by these folks, we're going to answer with a resounding yes to our own rhetorical question.

Speaking of Melinda, where is she? Ah, she's in bed with Nehemiah, the levelheaded one. Level headed only by comparison, of course, because Nehemiah gives Melinda the standard Love On The Real World speech, which goes something like this:

I know you think you love your boyfriend/girlfriend/puppy who you left back home to be on this show. However, consider this. You have only been here for 2 days, and already, you are feeling differently about this person. With 150 whole miles in between the two of you, you are seeing things in a different light, especially since you are living in close quarters with a person that MTV picked out specifically to tempt you. It sure is tempting, isn't it? Now, just because it’s tempting doesn't mean you have to give in, but before you make your decision, let me tell you two things. They will sound like questions, but they will really be statements that grant you permission to behave like an animal while here, under the hot lights of the camera. 1. What is love, really? Can you say for sure? Perhaps what you thought was love is really just mild admiration, and what you are now feeling, after knowing this new person for 2 days is true love. And 2. Won't you feel bad for not taking this opportunity while you have it? Because you certainly will never, ever see this person again after the filming wraps up, not even at one of the many reunion / THE INFERNO ROAD RULES vs REAL WORLD CHALLENGES. And there won't be any real world repercussions for your actions here that will be filmed and then edited to make you look like a bimbo. So, I think you know what you need to do.

After Nehemiah's rousing speech, we're treated to another shot of the photo of Melinda and her boyfriend Jason, who is probably a nice fellow who has done nothing to deserve what is about to happen to him. Melinda calls him up and has the stereotypical "I'm upset, but I'm not going to tell you I'm upset, so that when you don't realize I'm upset, I can get angry with you and pretend that it was something you did, thus freeing me from any obligation to you or your feelings" conversation. Melinda tells Jason that she's going to hang up on him, which he takes as a queue to hang up on her, which leaves her, we're sure, confused and angry.

Sometime that afternoon, a package arrives at the house containing a note telling the housemates to be ready to go to their new job at 9:30 the next morning. This extremely brief clip only merits mentioning because of Lacey's stance on the job. "I am so afraid that my job is going to be some sort of, like, stereotypical Texan thing," she says, with blatant disregard for the fact that the stereotypical Texan thing is to make bazillions of dollars by accidentally stumbling onto Texas Tea. But no, she's right, we're all cowboys down here, and don't y'all forget it. Yeehaw!

Meanwhile, Danny and Melinda are chatting in the bedroom about Danny's use of his injury to get closer to Melinda. He doesn't want to go out drinking while his skull is cracked open like an egg, so she volunteers to stay in with him. "I kinda feel, like, cheap in a way. I kinda used this to get her to notice me a little faster. You know, if a wounded guy can get her attention, I'll wear a Band-Aid the whole time I'm here." We wonder in what particular way Danny feels cheap. Perhaps in the "I'm a manipulative 12 year old" kind of way. Mommy! Pay attention to my booboo!

But Melinda is not deterred by Danny bleeding on her sheets. She wants to know how Danny is functioning without his requisite daily sex act. They compare sexual fantasies they've had about one another, and Melinda exclaims, "Should I just start humping the bed? What should I do?"

"Give me a call!" says Danny. "You know where I live!"

The rest of the housemates could care less about their fallen comrade, and they head out for a night at The Chuggin' Monkey, where everyone wants to do shots of Jaeger and dance to Nehemiah bustin' a few choice nuggets of hiphop knowledge on his new roommates. Wes dances with Lacey. Johanna dances with Lacey. Nehemiah dances with Lacey. They can all smell the untapped potential hiding beneath her pants.

Meanwhile, back at the house, Danny and Melinda are on their own, and within minutes, Danny has crawled into Melinda's bed. "I like this," says Melinda.

"You like us? This?" says Danny, as he reaches out to stroke her head with his Lance Armstrong yellow rubber band clad wrist.

"Danny sleeping in my bed feels good," she says in voiceover. "It feels like I don't have a care in the world when I'm with him." Sadly, Melinda does not realize that the kind of "care in the world” being paid by Viacom to do nothing but drink and fuck frees you of is a different kind of "care in the world" that actually knowing your sex partners frees you from. But hey, that's a complicated lesson that she may just learn during her time in Austin.

But probably not.

"I feel like a really strong connection with you," says Melinda. And then, after a fiddle hit, a coyote howl, and a shot of the moon - the stereotypical sound effects associated with having sex in Texas - we see the first couple of Austin under the sheets, performing acts of biblical impurity. "Danny is supposed to be taking it easy, and he's not supposed to be straining... but, he started it!"

The rest of the housemates come in, all drunk and randy, and discover the couple in bed together. Danny shakes his head in dismay as his visions of a perfect unending life of hot sex in a giant house in downtown Austin where he is paid to do nothing but where American Eagle clothing and swim in his indoor pool are dashed by his reality tv pals. Smile for the camera, buddy. You're providing the plot arch for this episode.

The next morning, the cast heads off to find out about their job. Johanna babbles that she hopes the job involves entertaining, because she likes performing. Oh really? We couldn't tell. They head up to the old airport to find a big hanger filled with cameras and boom mikes and some guy named Paul Steckler, whose amazing film credits include "Be Here to Love Me: A Film About Townes Van Zandt" and "George Wallace: Settin' the Woods on Fire," two of our favorite documentary films that nobody has ever seen. Stekler explains that he's a filmmaker who has worked with such luminaries as Spike Lee and Michael Moore.

"Michael Moore!" says Rachel, followed by a puking noise. "I'm a combat veteran," she explains. "And I saw the dead soldiers in Fahrenheit 911. Not cool!"

"Well," says Stekler, "he's an award winning director who, though occasionally a bit on the didactic side, does show a side of the story that needs to be shown to the people of America if we're going to even pretend that we live in a democracy."

"Oh my god," she says. "You are totally right, and I am sorry for making that noise to indicate my crass dismissal of a person who is doing important work, because I, as someone who has done virtually nothing with my life besides follow orders, do not actually know what I'm talking about. I ask for your forgiveness, and will now remain silent while you finish your introduction."

Please note, the previous two paragraphs did not actually occur. But we can dream, people. We can dream.

Stekler, who is from the Austin Film Society (who put on all sorts of cool screenings, and are an organization worth supporting regardless of their involvement with this silliness), and explains that the job for this season is to make a 15 minute documentary about SXSW. Lacey explains that SXSW is a festival where bands come to get record deals, and Nehemiah proudly plans to show off his degree in media arts. He is clearly the most talented to lead this motley crew of morons through the process of shooting a film, but never forget that he is also the token black guy, and will therefore have roadblocks placed in front of him at every step of the way.

But you know what? Jobs are boring and sex isn't, so let's go see how Melinda and Danny are doing in their quest for the love that speaks its name far too often.

Melinda calls her boyfriend, who, in a drunken stupor, does not recognize the angelic voice of his perfect and faithful girlfriend who he has promised to one day think about marrying. Once he recognizes who it is, he begins babbling about how she is "ready to write him off," and something about "the truth" which confused us. Mel starts to cry because he has seen through her shallow attempts at dumping him, and is preemptively dumping her. "You just don't say that to someone you love," she says. We can only assume she's referring to the aforementioned "truth."

Nehemiah comments that Melinda is down in the dumps and feels that she's not wanted. He comforts her by saying, "You got someone in that room right now who will treat you like you should be treated. You got someone in there right now who cares about you more than you think."

As if on queue, Danny, the Phantom of The Real World, appears from the dark recesses of the house draped in a cape, half of his face covered in blood stained bandages. Organ music swells on the soundtrack.

"You're too adorable to cry," he whispers to her. "Sadly, I am hideously deformed and totally unlovable, and must skulk back into the cavernous basement where I can continue peering at you through the cracks while breathing heavily."

We're treated to another quick shot of Paul Stekler's office, where Johanna makes the brilliant assessment that, "he seems to know a lot about making documentaries." This scene does nothing for the plot of the episode, and exists only to show that another afternoon has passed. The passage of time is important when you are dealing with sad life events, like breaking up with the guy to whom you are engaged to be engaged.

Melinda returns home from a hard days work to find a long, sad email from her boyfriend containing apologies and other pity-generating statements. She bursts into tears again from the stress of having to maintain her image of him as a worthless and insensitive lout, now that neither of them is inebriated. But it’s not just him. "Now that I have somebody kinda in my life, like, Danny, I don't even want to bother."

"I'm learning soooo much about myself," she says about the first week she's spent away from home, "I have to say something."

We cut right back to Melinda on the phone, laying down the law. "My feelings for you have changed" she says.

"I can't believe how much you've changed in a week!" says Jason.

Well, come on, buddy boy. She's famous now. How can you expect her to stick with you, the guy she's loved day in and day out for three years, when she's got the Phantom wooing her with his sweet love songs, and generous offers to remain in bandages for six months. We have always imagined that the casting process for this show involves an array of psychological tests aimed at finding people with the weakest psyche - the people most likely to crack under the least amount of pressure, and then to babble on semi-coherently about how they've learned so much about themselves, and how they're a totally new person thanks to Bunnim and Murray and all their new friends. With Melinda, they found a camel whose back was so close to breaking that merely exposing her to another man was enough to make her doubt everything she'd come to believe, and drive her to wild an inappropriate statements of devotion and commitment.

Sitting on the back porch of the house, Danny and Melinda discuss recent events. Here is a transcript, which we will do our best not to comment upon, as we think it stands on its own as an example of exactly the kind of conversation that should not lead to a relationship. We have all had this conversation before, and we can only hope that in most, if not all the cases, a rational desire for self preservation has kept the involved parties from making the decision which, in the short term, leads to hot public sex, but in the long term, clearly and inexorably leads to having dishes thrown at one's head.

Melinda: Can I be honest with you? I feel bad. I've never hurt somebody this way.

Danny: I think you need to figure out what you want, and then, you know, maybe take some time off from me, or from the both of us at the same time.

Melinda: I already know what I want.

Danny: You don't! You're so confused right now!

Melinda: I'm not confused.

Melinda (voice over): I want to make Danny feel that I am ready to experience what I could have with Danny and not have him feel that Jason is always in the shadows.

Mel: I have grown from being out here. I don't want time off from you because I don't think I need time off. I can handle you!

We must admit that, right here, we had a sweet, glimmering moment of hope, like a ray of moonlight reflecting off of Town Lake on a nice summer night when you can walk around and its not too hot and the mosquitoes aren't too bad, and you go home and watch a rented video with your girlfriend and have sex that is pleasant but not too wild, and you are reminded of how sane and orderly the world can be. There was a tiny sliver of possibility, indicated above by Danny's hesitation, and by the craziness in Melinda's voice when she emphasized the world "feel," as in, I don't want you to FEEL that my real boyfriend is hovering in the shadows even though he REALLY IS. Our hopes and dreams for a kinder, saner Danny were dashed, however, when, in voiceover, he says in his cute little Boston accent, "I think the smaht thing to do is to take it as it comes."

And it comes, apparently, pretty quickly after that, as the second episode of The Real World: Austin closes with another montage of hot, under-sheet humping action in Melinda's room.

Read our recap of the season premiere, and enter our contest to win one of the giant beanbag chairs seen in the Real World house!

The Real World: Austin is fresh every Tuesday at 9pm CST. We'll recap each episode the very next morning.