Rock-n-Rollerderby Season Opener

Doors open and music starts at 6:30. We were outside, in a long, but fast-moving line about 6:45. If you don't care about sitting in actual seats, seating is ample (floor, against rails, up on the wall). The track is flat and fast (marked with a string of lights) and there are no protective barriers between the blur of skaters and the audience. This is a Good Thing.

To kick things off, John Popper belted out a harmonica rendition of the Star Spangled Banner that inspired hootin’ and hollerin’ from the crowd (yeah, it was THAT John Popper, from Blues Traveler; the hat pretty much gave it away.)

Then the games began.

The rules are straightforward, but during the melees, it gets pretty confusing. So, straight from their website:

The pack starts with a pivot from each team in front, 3 blockers from each team in the middle, and a jammer from each team in the back. When the whistle blows, the pack takes off, and on a second whistle, the jammers start fighting their way through the pack in an attempt to be named "lead jammer." The jammers lap the pack and when they re-enter the pack, the (sic) receive one point for each member of the opposing team that they pass. A jam lasts a maximum of two minutes, but the "lead jammer" has the right to call off the jam at her discretion.

Yeah, we still have no idea what was going on or how the teams were being assessed points and penalties, but we found ourselves yelling and cheering these athletes around that track of sin all the same. It's not all about the rules.

This is not a sport for the weak of heart. They shove each other hard, crashing in spectacular balls of fire into the laps of the audience. They frequently end up in fist fights and wrestling matches on the floor that have to be broken up by the only seemingly sane people in the room, the referees. And in case you were wondering, any one of these girls could take you without so much as breaking a sweat to ruin her makeup. We like that.

A dominatrix encouraged audience members to spank rule-breaking rollergirls, a voodoo princess emerged from a coffin, and at least one severely drunken clown mumbled something into a microphone.

However, lest you think this is a just a wild circus, rest assured rock-n-rollerderby is as much about the sport as it is about the spectacle.

Through the sexy costumes, flamboyant characterization, and silly pun pseudonyms, it was evident these girls are athletes, first; their moves, speed, and confidence are stunning. Grrl power, indeed!

Is it appropriate for kids of all ages? We saw many children running around (and one lucky kid sitting on the SWAT team), but be warned that the innuendo runs thick and the music is loud. To judge, for yourself, if this is a good after-church activity, check out their website at http://www.txrollergirls.com; the mood is captured accurately there.

Hats off to the commentators, Whiskey L'Amour, Julio E. Glasses, Jim "Kool-Aid" Jones, and Chip Queso (we weren't kidding about the corny names). Their lively conversation helped us understand what was going on and encouraged us to root for our favorite teams (ALL of them, in this case).

A Texas Rollergirls derby is exactly the kind of gritty, punk-meets-hipster-meets-BDSM event which will scare the hell out of and then subsequently enchant your out-of-town friends with our Austin weirdo ethos.

Despite their rough exteriors, the athletes and staff we spoke with were all exceedingly approachable, friendly and welcoming; they're doing Austin proud.

This is one of those things you need to at least try once as long as you're in our town. Go in with an open mind for low-brow kitsch and you may just walk out a fan like us.

We'd also like to take this time to mention that over the course of the evening, we developed a bit of a crush, and her name is Bunny Rabid.

Bunny: the intensity in your eyes as you shoved your way to the front of the pack in ripped fishnets, swirling schoolgirl skirt, and your oh-so-come-hither cotton tail hypnotized us into a jaw-dropped stupor. When you buzzed by us during halftime, brushing our knee with your arm... well, let's just say you left in your wake at least one swooning fanboy.

If you ever want to teach us how bunnies (ahem) "skate," you could so have your way with us. Look for us at the next match; we'll be the geeks in glasses in the front row cheering for you the loudest (and secretly and guiltily praying you land in our laps).

Schedule for 2005 Season:
April 3 --> Hustlers vs. Honky Tonk Heartbreakers / Hell Marys vs. Hotrod Honeys
April 24 --> Honky Tonk Heartbreakers vs. Hell Marys / Hotrod Honeys vs. Hustlers
May 15 --> Hotrod Honeys vs. Honky Tonk Heartbreakers / Hustlers vs. Hell Marys
June 5 --> Honky Tonk Heartbreakers vs. Hustlers / Hell Marys vs. Hotrod Honeys
June 26 --> Hell Marys vs. Honky Tonk Heartbreakers / Hotrod Honeys vs. Hustlers
July 17 --> Hotrod Honeys vs. Honky Tonk Heartbreakers / Hustlers vs. Hell Marys
August 7 --> Championship!